The Book of X-COM
Chapter 1, verse 1.
First there was darkness. [And DOS and the masses of
286, 386 and 486's.]
In the dark murky depths of history, X-COM UFO was released.
And verily, it was good.
And there was rejoicing.
Unto this light in the darkness harked beings of great wisdom and promise
who saw that It Was Good.
And Lo, it did pass.
And the beings of great wisdom and promise said;
"Let there be, as it was. Only more so."
Thus, unto the world, six months later, did TFTD arrive. With promise and
abandon did it proclaim. At full price, I might add.
And lo, there was much interest.
Shortly thereafter much wailing and gnashing of teeth began
And it was proclaimed;
"This parrot, erm sorry, game, is dead. It's an ex-game!"
And;
"Do me a favour guv'na!"
So it came to pass that TFTD was proclaimed The Pretender [at full price, I
might add] and did not add Significant Promise [nor features, nor change in
play].
And it was deemed hard, though the difficulty bug did not yet feature in
such wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Thus, TFTD was banished from the worshipful followers of UFO, on the whole.
Yet during these dark days, true believers saw the righteousness within TFTD
and splitteth, forsooth!
And So It Came To Pass...
Worshippers proclaimed from the rooftops and newsgroups and BBS's and
forums;
"UFO is cool, TFTD sux" [or suchlike]
Thus the First Holy War did begin with much bickering and squabbling and so
on and so forth.
And the beings of great wisdom and promise looked down upon the masses and
said;
"Bugger!"
And the beings of great widom and promise saw that indeed, one cannot fool
all of the people, all of the time.
And were mightily miffed.
Thus the beings of great wisdom and promise saw the Great Promise that was
UFO and it's worshipful followers and decreed 'Twas A Good Thing. [And it
kepteth the suits pockets linethed]
And the beings of great wisdom and promise did buggereth off and go thinketh
about their Monumental Cock Up [so to speak].
Darkness dideth return to the masses, along with technological advances and
unfortunately EastEnders and other soaps. [Which only goes to prove the
devil has a sick, twisted sense of humour...]
And it was decreed at the holy places where the beings of now not so great
wisdom and [alleged] promise did toll, uttering the ancient enchantments;
"We gotteth a winner here. Lettuce tryeth again. Only more so".
[Vegetarians, y'see... ;-) ]
Thus it came to pass that the beings of questionable wisdom and somewhat
dodgy promise toiled away on a new icon for the masses.
Yonder holy places of these slightly embarrassed beings of dubious wisdom
and double glazing type promise did the forces of darkness let loose Mamon
unto the world.
And Mamon was potent and powerful, corrupting both masses and the beings of
etc, etc.
Thus it came to pass that the suits were corrupted and became tainted and
became the $uits; minions of darkness and of Mamon.
In the third year it did come to pass after much toiling by the blokes
upstairs.
But Mamon had corrupted the toiling and there was much problems with this
new icon. [so much you just don't know half of it]
And lo, 'twas despite mucheth toil, blood, sweat, caffiene and nicotine [not
to mention pizza and beer at the George and other pubs in the area] the new
icon doth make iteth out.
Thus it came to pass - light shineth in the darkness!
And the masses were wary, ever memorable of The Great Pretender and said;
"Is it any good?"
And the reply was;
"What do you bloody think!? We've spent Ellis knows how long on this. You
want features, you got em. You want more features, you got em, You want
the Bloody world, you lot!"
And the masses did nod to each other and muttereth;
"Too much Monty Python, that is!"
And;
"Nah, Terry Pratchett me thinketh"
Lo, Mamon did chuckleth to himself at his wit and cleverness and naming of
the new icon. Verily, he thought he was one clever dude and laughed loudly
at his own irony at the icons name: Apocalypse
Thunder did rumble ominously and loudly as Mamon nearly wet himself with
laughter over this. [He was way too clever for his own good, even if he did
say so himself.]
Thus the masses did looketh at Apocalypse and saw much promise and said;
"Fair enough, looks interesting"
Verily, it was checkethed out.
And so it came to pass that the Second Holy War dideth taketh place. [And
Mamon wet himself cos he laughed so hard, with snot bubbles issuing forth.
Without even trying. Personal hygene wasn't his best point. He is a prince
of darkness after all - what did you expect? Cravats!?]
Much pointing of grubby finger was aimethed at the beings blaha blah blah,
and the masses did bicker and splitteth once more and the Holy War did
create factions within.
Thus cometh the darkness that was brought with the advent of Real Time v.
Turn Based arguments. Laying waste to reason and order and Common Sense
[TM] and the world was tainted ever more.
And much shuffling of feet and averted gazes did cometh from the now not so
popular beings of great wisdom and promise. Followed by the minions of
Mamon causing mischief among the beings to the extent that some of them
splitteth.
So the masses were slightly miffed, to say the least.
Yet depite the mischief of old Snotnose [Mamon] and the forces of darkness,
the name liveth in the hearts of the masses.
Thus X-COM remained and it's soul burned brightly in the hearts of the
masses. Despite the later dodgy offerings.
And to this light in the darkness was drawn a lone figure, whose name no one
knew much about yet.
And this lone figure did toucheth this brightness that was X-COM and said;
"COOL!"
And it did echo across the world, though no one was taking much notice
really. But the effect was good - you had to be there, I guess. George
Lucas and Stephen Spielberg would have been proud.
And the soul of X-COM did gaze upon this lone figure and likethed what it
saw, thinking;
"This blokes okay, he'll do!"
Thus the soul dideth ditch the darkness, which after all, was dark. And it
didn't get to talk much, which was kind of annoying.
So it came to pass that a symbiosis was born of man and idea.
And the man continued to treadeth his path through life, whilst the soul of
X-COM did twist fate, ever annoying the hell out of Mamon and his mates.
And X-COM dideth give it the finger. At every possible opportunity. And
occasionally did mooneth at Mamon.
History dideth pass, as is it's lot. It's what it did best. Actually,
thats all it could do. Though it wanted to try surfboarding.
And darkness and lightness did merge, becoming a greyish tint to everything.
Which at least hides the stains.
And evermore did iteth hang over the world.
Lo! It did pass that the soul of X-COM and history did have a natter and
come upeth with A PLAN.
But first, the soul of X-COM did appease the lone figure it inhabited now
and thus Interceptor was born.
But that's another story.
And in the annals of history, real and X-COM's did events occur.
Thus, as did the future roll round, strangeness did occur in the real world,
gently prodded by the soul of X-COM and history as it waved farewell.
So it came to pass that in 1998 events dideth occur, ever shaping the way of
the world.
And the lone figure dideth speaketh to the world, and the world listened.
And the masses said;
"Bloody Heck!"
And;
"Awesome!"
And the man dideth stir the masses from their slumber and words issueth
forth in huge torrents.
Thus it came to pass and the name Genesis was born.
And the soul of X-COM dideth have the lasteth laugh on Mamon, who slunk away
to wipe the bogies off his face.
And the soul of X-COM did looketh down at the lone man and said;
"That's my boy"
And Ellis was his name
--
Thus endeth the Book of X-COM
The congregation may rise.
The collection plate will be handed around and ideas will be most welcome
and thankful.
Amen
Det.