The Ellistatica (The Books of X-COM); The Second Holy War

Taken from the Ellistatica, Official Holy Book of X-COM

The Second Holy War; Book Of The Apocalypsica, or The Great Split

In the year of Our Lord, one thousand nine hundred and ninety four [or
thereabouts], beings of great wisdom and promise shed lightness upon the
world.

And the lightness was good and offered promise indeed [considering the
dodgy
offerings at the time].

And the lightness was knowneth as X-COM.

Lo, did the masses chanteth in many tongues;

"There is only one X-COM"

Forsooth, it was cool. And the masses did proclaimeth this from the
rooftops [And other places, though you have to remember, the internet was
somewhat younger than it is today].

Thus the beings of great wisdom and promise were content. But the
lighteth
did offer more than it's current equivalent of one candle watt of shining,
and they knew this. Cos they were Beings of Great Wisdom and Promise and
know this kind of stuff. Otherwise, they wouldn't be Beings of Great
Wisdom
and Promise, would they? [pay attention at the back...]

And at the holy places on high, where reside these beings, they toilethed
away on a new icon for the masses. And time did pass.

Lo, unto this brightness upon the dark were drawn the attention of the
forces of darkness. Who were mightily miffed, cos they still hung out in
the '80's, pretending to be Goths. [Forces of Darkness - no fashion sense
at all...] And it hurt their eyes.

And they did stampeth their feet and dolly, verily, was thrown from pram.

Thus the forces of darkness did releaseth Mamon unto the world and
lightness
to do their bidding. But he protesteth and they had to give him shades,
so
he could protect his eyes, and looketh 'cool'.

And Mamon did descend forth, occasionally bumping into things, cos he wore
his shades permanently, even at night.

Forsooth, he dideth look mucheth a prat.

Mamon dideth survey the world on which he had ascended, sniggering
ominously
to himself. And passers-by dideth take a wideth berth around this odd
fellow who woreth shades at night, sporting many a bruiseth on forehead.
[Which vaguely upseteth him. Prince of darkness or not, he didn't like
being laughed at. Tough shit really, if you go around acting and looking
like a prat, isn't it. Daft bugger...]

And Mamon did mutterth more to himself and seekedeth out the source of the
brightness and assaulted the holy places on high, spreading much
discontent
and malicious rumour [he was still getting used to the job - only recently
promoted, y'see] and embarked on nicking of much toilet rolls. [which was
uncomfortable, to say the least]

Thus did the internal squabbling echo through the holy places on high.
And
trouble dideth taketh its toll and minions of darkness did fester and
popeth
up in the holy places on high, though they kept a low profile. [But, in
retrospect, it did seem kind of odd that management did sporteth shades,
day
and night, every single month of the year...Management are funny buggers
anyway though, I suppose.]

Thus, the new icon was flawed due to the hand of Mamon and his minions, to
the extent that he had a good laugh when he managed to get it named. And
the name was Apocalypse.

So it is told, he did chuckleth and the skies did rumble with thunder,
finally resulting in Mamon wettingeth himself. And he was avoided. Even
more so. Especially by his minions. Which was really getting on his
nerves. And he dideth slappeth them much 'round face and jowl. And, if
his
fancy took him, thigh.

And the $uits did bitch mucheth behind his back, calling him 'weirdo and
'prat', though never to his mucheth bruised face. [But they laughedeth at
the stains on his pants mucheth and openly.]

And Mamon did blight them with a curse, forevermore imbuing them with the
same nastiness as he was shown by them.

And the masses did willingly agree to this. As they knew it Was True.
Without some weirdo telling them it anyway.

Lo, unto this day, management are bitched about freely and otherwise, and
'tis known that management could notteth organise a piss up in a brewery.
Amen

Thus unto the world once more did the vaguely harassed beings of great
wisdom and promise descend with new icon, saying;

"Behold!" Expecting great awe and wonder on faces of grubby masses. [But
their budget was cut and the special effects they expected didn't sound
like
the thousand trumpets they had ordered, instead more like a fart in a
bath.
That's what happens when you employ the people who did the original Dr Who
special effects y'see]

And the masses did look puzzledeth.

And the beings of great wisdom and promise had to reassureth the masses,
with much cajoling and eye candy and alleged features.

Thus the masses did checketh it out.

And there came to pass A Great Pause, hanging heavy and pregnant around
the
world.

And the beings of great wisdom and promise did look nervously at each
other,
with beadeths of sweat popping forth on brow.

And they did worry. A Lot. [And rightly so!]

Thus the masses did turn as one and looked at the beings [formerly of
great
wisdom and promise] and did bloweth many a raspberry. And booedeth and
hissedeth much. And said;

"White man speak with Brown Nose" [and similar]

And

"Yea did not delivereth us our goods, man"

Thusly, the damage was done by Mamon, and the Flawed icon that was
Apocalypse did liveth up to its name. And there were those of weak will
who
were touched deeply by the tainted icon and were imbued with its dark
side.

So it was, that Apocalypse did bring with it the Second Holy War and much
tongue lashing all round.

And Mamon's dark plan did worketh; having splitteth Apocalypse in two,
thus
did the masses splitteth also, creating factions.

Lo, the masses did turn to each other and squabble forthly. A Lot. And
people were mightily pissed off.

And Mamon was appeased because people were too busy bitching amongst
themselves to notice the weirdo in shades with the lumpy, bruised forehead
and questionable stains on pants. [But the did really, but had got used to
him hanging around and ignored him. Which again irritated him no end]

Yea, the time of strife was upon us and became known as The Great Split,
where factions [and decimals arf] did splitteth between themselves.

And much bickering and squabbling and wailing and gnashing of teeth echo
all
around. [And this was on a good day with nothing whatsoever to do with
X-COM. Probably a precursor warm up for the csipg ng...]

Thus, the factions begat of The Great Split did emerge forthly; The
Realists
and the Turnites did shun each other and made much of snide remarks 'bout
'tother. [From Yorkshire, y'see]. And the factions did bring great shame
upon the world, laying waste to reason and order and Common Sense [TM].
''Twas dark times indeedydoodydody.

Thus, the Narrator was promptly slappethed with wet kipper for deviating
from the religious text and scorned forthly. [which hurts, I can tell
you!]

Thou cans't tell you, despite the furore and mutterings in tongues from
both
Realists and Turnites, both factions were fanatical followers of The True
Way that was X-COM.

Yea, begrudgingly, the Realists and the Turnites did acknowledge the
beliefs
of each other, but still took every opportunity to incite the Holy, or
Flame, Wars. [The little devils, them!]

And time dideth pass [and nattered with History, who was considering
rollerblading or possibly bungie jumping, when he had the time]

And so it came to pass that The Great Split did permeate the lands and the
masses, and even, the landmasses, so much that it did last and become at
one
with the land and the masses and so on, unto this day. [And tomorrow.
And
next week no doubt. In fact, it's probably a good bet that it's here to
stay, which means a long time].

Yon beings of great wisdom and promise did looketh at the unellisly mess
they had created and were mightily miffed. Though they were wise and saw
the work of Mamon [who was still in tears of laughter, rolling around in a
corner making a fool of himself as usual, embarrassing the hell out of the
forces of darkness] and did knoweth when they had buggereth up.

Both Realists and Turnites did gaze upwards towards the [former] beings of
great wisdom and promise and utter, as one;

"Pull the other one, it's got bells on!"

And

"What's with the Day-Glo colours and Ai that isn't?"

And

"Yea bastards! It's a dogs dinner of a game!"

And the sky turned red. With embarrassment, not rage I might add.

Thus the beings did skulk, because they liked the word and it sounded
cool.
So they dideth skulk as much as possible and avoided the masses and were
silent about the Flawed icon that was Apocalypse. And did verily, feel
sorry for themselves [the self pitying bastards, shame on you!]

Thus the soul of X-COM shuffled uneasily at these developments and was
mightily hurt. Yet it burned brightly in the hearts and souls of the
masses,
no matter their faction, and knew it's Destiny had yet to be fulfilled.

So it came to pass that the soul of X-COM did wait for The One; a true
believer among the masses. And it dideth wait. And took up Yoga. And
bought a cat and called it Don [MoggyDon - Mogidon, geddit? Oh, never
mind]

Lo! Once more was the Narrator warned about lousy jokes and dodgy attempts
at humour, being slappethed with the now Holy, wet kipper. And yea, it
bloody well hurt. Again.

Unto this unellisly mess did righteous men stand with the masses, men of
great wisdom themselves [which unnerved the beings of great wisdom and
promise slightly, knowing when they had been rumbledeth]. Yea, these
righteous men did know arcane secrets and the mystic runes and languages
of
the beings of great wisdom and promise.

And the beings did tremble in thyne boots

Thus, the righteous men did walk among the masses, spreading the Word and
uttering the arcane and mystic secrets and showered the masses with their
talent. Thus the Keepers Of The Editors were placed into the history
books
and forever greatly received by the Realists and Turnites. And were
deemed
'cool dudes' [Because people still remembered Bill and Teds Excellent
Adventure and laughed at it.].

Yea, the righteous men did shun praise [though they did like it really,
they
just wanted to maintain an air of mystery and aloofness. Y'know,
generally
coolness, as it were] and did continue to walk the earth with their
goodness
and talents.

And the righteous men did shower the masses with gifts known as Utils and
Edita's and suchlike. And the masses were appeased and thus the Second
Holy
War did fizzleth out mucheth. Though the bickering dideth continue, and
was
annually celebrated forevermore. Amen.

So it came to pass that the soul of X-COM did 'goeth underground' and the
beings of great wisdom and promise were shunned and forgotten, while the
righteous men did offerest up 'The Goods' and became revered for their
talents [which included fixing the difficulty bug in TFTD which was
ignored
by the beings of great wisdom and promise].

And the masses did loseth interest and buggereth off to find other things
[more fool them!] of dubious quality and gameplay [which just goes to show
how fickle and shallow they were, the splitters!]. And they were lulled
by
dodgy offerings and false claims.

Though, the factions did remain and the True Believers continue with their
faith. But the beings of great wisdom and promise were trusted no more
and
the raspberries dideth continue to be directed at their general direction.
And rightly so. Amen

Thus the True Believers did console themselves in the knowing of the
perfection that was X-COM and did carry the torch onward.

For they had Faith [and other George Micheal albums, but hid them in the
loft or gave them away] and did Know their day would come. Only a slight
hiccup dideth occur with Interceptor and the True Believers did furrow
brow
and curse-ed under thyn breath.

Lo! Unbeknownst to them, Destiny had already arrivedeth and was testing
the
water, so to speaketh. It just didn't make a very good job of it, first
time. And the water dideth scold it as it was made hot by the mutterings
and dark gazes of the True Believers. And the words of the masses [about
the other games, though not UFO] dideth burn it's ears as it knew they
were
a funny bunch.

So it came to pass that the soul of X-COM had found it's way. And a True
Believer among the masses was found and groomed and his destiny was ever
changed.

Ellis by thy name

Amen

Thus endeth this reading from the Second Holy War; Book Of The
Apocalypsica, or The Great Split.

Det.