X-COM INCIDENT TRANSCRIPT (AGAIN)

<ding-dong>

Homeowner: Who is it?

Voice from other side: X-COM, sir. You reported an alien?

H: Oh, yes! <opens door> Come in, please!

First Agent: <steps inside> Good evening sir. I'm Special Agent Jay, and this gentleman is Agent Kay.

Kay: Yeah, how you doin?

H: Um, fine, I guess. Um, you guys don't look like soldiers, aren't you supposed to be wearing uniforms or something?

Jay: Yes well, we're temporarily undercover.

H: Yeah, but it's dark. Why are you wearing sunglasses?

K: Well, we have to when we're on assignment, because we have this little flash-

J: <interrupts Kay> So! You called about an alien?

H: Oh, yeah! You see, I have a pet goat, he's a pure bred Sacremento Longhair, beautiful creature, won his division at the Grand Nationals last year against some very tough competetion, I might add-

J: Sir? About the alien?

H: Sorry... well, about twenty minutes ago, I heard Max, that's short for Maximillian,   you see, that's his name, Maximillian Veritas. <begins walking towards the back of the house, still chattering> Anyway, I heard Max, bleating, just awful. So I go to the back window here, and I look outside, and I see this little green man, standing behind my goat, doing something terrible to poor Max with some kind metal instrument! Well, I nearly went outside to give this guy a piece of my mind, when I realized, "This isn't a little man! This is an alien." Because I had just read an article in the newspaper, you see, and then I remembered that there was a part that said if anybody saw what they thought was an alien, they were to call you guys. So I ran and got the newspaper, and called the number, and here you guys are. <stops in front of large curtained window>

J: Yes, here we are. He's out back here, is he? <pulls open curtains>

K: <peering out window> Sectoid, right? Jesus, Jay, what the hell is he doing to that goat?

J: Yep, a sectoid. Bob it looks like.

H: What? You know his name?

J: Yeah, I've met this character before. I don't why he hasn't just loaded the goat into his ship and left. It must be to small for the goat to fit, and he's doing what he has to do here. <scans back yard> Yeah, see, there's his ship back there behind that tool shed.

H: What's he doing to my goat?

J: Let's go find out, shall we? <heads for back door> Oh, by the way, sir, do you have a wife, or any children in the house?

H: Uhh... no, no children, my wife's at her mother's. Why?

J: Just checking. <opens door> Bob, you old scounderel! What are you doing here? <walks outside>

Bob: <looks up from bleating goat> Jay! You rascal! I didn't know you were in town!

J: Sir, this is Under-navigator Bobr'enhe'nberge'rer, Bob for short.  Bob, this is the nice man whose goat you're assaulting belongs to.

B: Hi! Good to meet you! Quite a goat you've got here.

H: Yeah, uh, thanks.

J: Bob, this is my new assistant, Kay.

K: Yo, um, how's it goin.

B: New assistant?! What happened to the other one, the older guy?

J: He retired, Bob. He'd been in the business too long. Now, what we really need to talk about is why you're here and what you're doing to this goat.

B: Well, Jay, you see, it's like this. I have something of an interest in goats you see, and I saw this fine little fella down here, and I just had to have a look at him. And when I got down here, I figured that I should go ahead and get a sample, you know, and take it back-

J: <sighs> Bob, Bob, Bob. You know that bullshit doesn't work on me. Try again.

B: No really, Jay! <begins backing away from goat> No bullshit, really! I love goats!

K: Heh. I'll say.

J: Bob, you know about the war, don't you? The Human-Alien War? No, don't shake your head, yes you do.

H: Um, what war?

J: I'll tell you all about it later, sir. Now Bob, I'm no dummy. That's no sample extractor you've got there. That's a Class Five Universal Embryo Implanter isn't it? What is it this time? A hybrid? Or is it a chrysallid? It's a chyrsallid isn't it?

B: Jay! What do you take me for? An idiot? I would never do something as stupid as that! <still backing away>

J: You know, Bob, I could shoot you right here. I'm within my rights.  But I think if you just come along with me and Kay, we can get this all <KERZAP> <a blue bolt flashes out from behind Jay> <POP> <it strikes Bob square in the chest> <SPLAT> <Bob explodes messily all over the back yard>

H: <covered in alien goo> AHHHHH!

J: Christ, kid! What do you think you were doing!

K: He was going for his gun!

J: Kid! He didn't have a gun! He was naked, where would he keep it?

H: AHHHHH!

K: Man, I'm sorry, Jay. It was just my bad-ass reflexes, you know? I'm like that, somebody just moves wrong, and pow!

H: AHHHHH!

K: Yo, man! Settle down, it's all over now! Just chill.

J: I'm afraid not. There's still the matter of the goat.

H: What? What about my goat?

J: I'm afraid we're going to have to destroy your goat, sir.

H: What?! Why?

J: Sir, it's most likely that your goat now has a chrysallid embryo implanted in it. If we were to go off and leave it alive, you would probably wake up in the morning to a six-foot black crab. Kay, do the goat.

K: Okay, if you say so, Jay. <raises gun>

H: WHAT?! NO! <grabs Kay from behind and wrestles with him for the gun>

K: Yo, man! Cut it out! I have to do this, man. I have to- <KERZAP!><POP!><SPLAT> Ah, shit!

J: Shit is right, Kay. <wipes offal off of coat sleeve>

K: Man, ain't nothin' been goin' right ever since the MIB's got put under the command of X-COM.

J: I know it, Kay, I know it. <pulls out communicator> Zed, it's Jay.  We're going to need a clean-up crew.

<from house>: Hello, I'm back! Hon, you in here? Who's car is that out front? Hon? <a woman steps out of back door> Ohh! Hello! Who are you gentlemen? And what's that all over your shirt?

J: <puts hands over face and sighs> Kay, could you handle this?

Woman: Handle what? Is that blood? Where's my husband?

K: Ma'am, if you'll just step over here with me for a second, I'll explain everything.

W: Um, okay, but... hey, what's that over there behind the tool shed.

K: Just look right here, please, ma'am.

<FLASH>

-JScott
Bob, I know it seems like I'm making fun of you, but I'm not. It's just that random string of vowels and consonants that you call a name. ;-)