X-COM INCIDENT TRANSCRIPT

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Operator: X-COM Emergency Hotline. What is the nature of your emergency?

Terrified Civilian: Yeah, uh, I've got an alien in my garden!

O: An alien, sir? Are you sure?

TC: Yeah! He's floating about ten feet off the ground, and he's got some kind of funny looking gun!

O: Okay, sir, we're sending a team over right now.

TC: <ka-boom!> Please hurry, he just blew up my garden shed!

O: Sir, please remain calm, the team will be there as soon as possible.  Now, can you describe the alien for me?

TC: Uh, sure, uh... no! Spot, come back here! Spot! Stay away from... <gronk!> <ka-boom!> <yi-ipe!> Goddamit! Now he just blew up my dog!

O: Sir, please describe the alien. This is vitally important.

TC: Okay... okay. Um... he... it's about six feet tall, humanoid, kind of darkish reddish in color, got two little horns on it's face, wearing a purple cape, and... oh, yeah, he's got some kind of metal apparatus where his legs should be.

O: Okay. Sir, what you've just described can only be what we call a Floater. Now, we need to think up some way for you to defend yourself.  Do you have any firearms in the house, sir?

TC: No. I don't have any guns. Umm... I think it's inside the house, now. How much longer till those guys get here?

O: It shouldn't be long, now. Do you have anything you can hit it with?  A baseball bat, or a hockey stick, anything like that?

TC: No... Ohmigod! It just came in to the room! AIEEEE! NOT MY PETUNIAS!  YOU BASTARD! <drops phone>

O: Sir? Sir?!

TC: <gronk!> <whack!> <gronk!> <thud!>

O: Sir... are you there? Please pick up the phone, sir!

TC: Alright, I'm back. <breathing heavily>

O: Sir, what just happened?

TC: Yes, well... um, he ate my petunias, so I hit him with a chair. I think I killed him. Sorry.

O: Oh, that's quite all right, sir. Just as long as nobody else was hurt, that's the important thing. I'm sorry, did you just say that he ate your petunias?

TC: Uh, yeah.

O: <flabbergasted>

TC: Um, look, am I going to be billed for this, seeing as how I killed it and all?

O: Unfortunately, yes, sir. You will still be billed for the visit, and if you have no need for the body, disposal of the corpse.

TC: What, I can keep the corpse? What's it good for?

O: You can cook it and eat it. The back strap is quite good broiled, and you can boil the head to make a nice stew.

TC: Really? Wow. I'll have to try that. <background> Hello? X-COM Quick Response Team here. We're responding to the report of an alien. Is anybody home? <TC> Yes, come on in!

X-COM Trooper: You reported the presence of an alien, sir? Oh, there he is right there. And dead to boot. Did you do this, sir?

TC: Yes... well... umm... he ate my petunias, see? And then I hit him with a chair. Sorry.

XT: No that's quite alright, sir. He ate your petunias, huh? Well then. Was anyone else hurt?

TC: Well, he blew up my dog, and my garden shed, but...

2nd X-COM Trooper: Sir, does this belong to you?

TC: Spot! You're alive! <wet licking sound>

2XT: I found him out back. He's kind of singed, and one of his legs has got blown off, but I think he'll be alright.

TC: Oh, I'm so glad he's okay! Spot, stop chewing on that! That might be dinner tomorrow!

XT: So you're keeping the corpse?

TC: Yes, I'd like to.

XT: Great. Would you like some help cutting it up?

TC: Sure! Let's take him out on the back porch so we don't leave stains on the carpet. <grabs top of corpse> AHHHH! He's not dead! Look out!

Floater: Gronk! <spits out bits of petunia>

XT: Oh, so you want some more! Eat this! <puts muzzle of rifle in alien's mouth and pulls trigger> <BLAM!>

Floater: Gronk! Gurgle!

XT: There. Sorry about the carpet. Looks like you won't be making Floater Head Stew. Oh, before I forget, here's a complimentary copy of "Twenty-One Ways to Cook a Floater".

TC: Gee, thanks! Let's get this guy out back and butcher him up! <grabs corpse and drags it out back>

TC: Now, where do we... ARRGGHHH! You landed your ship in my garden!

X-COM Pilot: Oh, yeah. Sorry 'bout that. And the azaleas.

TC: What?! What about my aza... ARRGGHHH! My azaleas are on fire!  NOOOOO!

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-JScott