Fiction
Jerry Springer in 40k
In the dark future of the 41st millenia, there is only bad T.V. . .
Jerry Springer: “Ok everybody, today’s show is about
worshippers of Chaos and the women who love them. Please welcome our first guest,
Sister Chastity of the Holy Order of the Slain Virgin. Sister, welcome to our show.”
Chastity: “Thank you Jerry”
Jerry Springer: “ Now Chastity, our producers have told us
that you have been seeing someone for quite some time now.”
Chastity: “Yes. He name is Falthus, and he is a member
of the Emperor’s Children.”
Audience: “BOOOOOOOOO!”
Jerry Springer:: “Now wait a minute audience. Chastity,
isn’t the Emperor’s Children one of Our Most Holy Emperor’s finest Space
Marine Legions?”
Chastity: (holding back the tears)”Well, it was, but now that
they have fallen from grace…oh, he just sits around the fortress all day and melts
people down into drugs! I won’t even tell you what he wants me to do in bed now
*sob*.”
Audience: “Awwwwww…”
Jerry Springer: “Well, let's bring him out.”
A Space marine in pink armor with leopard skin tights stumbles onto stage: “All hail
our Lord and God Slaanesh!”
Audience: “Boo!”
Jerry Springer: “Now now, quite down. Falthus, welcome
to the show. Chastity has been telling us there have been some troubles in paradise…”
Falthus: “Well, there wouldn’t be any trouble is she would
grovel at the feet of our merciless tormentor like I tell her to.”
Chastity: “My love is only for the Emperor!”
Falthus: “Yeah, that’s why he prostituted your order to
the Adeptus Astartes!”
Chastity: "Oh, go find someone else to wear lobster claws for
you!" *sob*
Audience: “Ooooooooooooooooo!”
Jerry Springer: “Well, Falthus, Chastity has told us that she has
something to tell you. So I'll just step aside and let her say it.”
Chastity: “Falthus, you know my love for you is second only
to the Emperor, but…well, there is someone else….”
Falthus: “What? Who the hell is it!?!”
Jerry Springer: “Let’s bring out Henrik the Enraged,
Mighty Champion of Khorne!”
A smashing sound is heard as half the stage set falls to the whirling blade of a chain
axe. “You are a punk Falthus. Chastity wants a real man, not some whinny little
musician and drug addict!”
Falthus: “You punk a** B****!”
The audience begins to trample each other to get out of the way of the horrible battle
that ensues.
Kindly submitted by David Mauceli